Unsettledness

School’s out. I’ve got about 10 weeks off. Vacation! You’d think? Rest? Probably not.

Yes, I’m a bit unsettled.

I’m not quite comfortable with where I am right now. I’m about to be a stay-at-home mom for the summer. How in the world do women who do it full-time, all the time, actually do it? During the school year everyday, I drop my daughter off at daycare (which is on the campus of the school where I teach). I teach, discipline (right!), grade papers and tests, attend faculty and departmental meetings, and serve in other functions I’ve assigned myself at the school. Everyday. And when I (and sometimes my husband and I) pick up our daughter, I get to see the wonderful artwork she’s prepared at the hands of her wonderful teacher, get reports on how she never has a potty accident (she has been dry when she wakes up for the past couple of weeks!!!), and watch her run to me screaming because she’s excited to see me everyday when I pick her up after school.

She’s home for the summer. All day. Everyday. What do we do?

Now I not so clueless as not to know. Really. We have story time a couple times a day. I’ve actually decided to lose the 15-20 pounds this summer by taking her with me in the stroller on my walks each morning. But she won’t play with her toys by herself (she is an only child, and there aren’t children her age in the community in which we live, at least not that I’ve identified yet)!!!

So I’ve been researching what type of inexpensive activities are available for a three-year old to partake in. No. Activities I need for her to do outside of the house!!! I’ve got a plan. I may have found a place to take her a few times a week. That might just do it.

So I’m an unsettled mom.

I’m an unsettled teacher. Not particularly satisfied with my teaching this past year. I’ve determined I am going to work over the summer to revise my curricula, prepare in advance (didn’t have a chance to do that last year because I was taking care of my mother before she passed last summer), and be ready when the school year arrives in mid-August. Related to all this, I’ve got to prepare materials for my performance review this fall. Not a good year to do this, since I didn’t have the best of years. But it is giving me an opportunity to reflect a bunch.

I’m an unsettled teacher.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to put together a proposal to publish a supplement for a textbook I use in one of my courses. My first attempt at publishing! But even preparing the proposal seems to be a bit daunting.

I’m an unsettled would-be writer.

Let me not go on, because I’m unsettled in a variety of areas, and it’ll get a bit too personal.

I say all this to say that I’ve not been writing posts because, frankly, I’m unsettled. I’m especially unsettled because I feel my focus is a bit off. My area of specialty is Bible. I study scripture. I teach Old and New Testament. That’s what I do. Yet, I’ve not introduced it much on this blog. Why?

I’m trying to figure that out. I’m not a Bible-thumper. I don’t believe in beating people over the head with it. But I also know that God is real in my life. And I’m currently praying and seeking answers to the unsettledness I feel right now. It’s like I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

And as I read this, the unfocused nature of this post, I see my own unsettledness right before my eyes.

So excuse me as I try to figure it out. Posts will come. But I’m trying to figure out, in my heart, what they’re supposed to be about. What I’m supposed to share. What I am really supposed to communicate here.

Thanks for listening…reading, I should say. Comments are welcomed.

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6 comments

  1. Lisa Gates says:

    There is sooo much inside your post, it’s difficult for me to turn off my occupational hazard and just be. Thank you for sharing so openly. Feel free to delete this if it turns the wrong corner.

    Your spirituality is all over your site. You write from it daily. Your relationship to God is everywhere here. But since you feel you’re withholding, I would ask you:

    What could you learn by staying in the unsettled place for a while?
    What is this unsettling trying to tell you?
    When you’ve been unsettled in the past, do you scrutinize your imperfections?
    When you avoid writing about the bible, what value are you not honoring?
    Would writing about the bible make you more settled? More aligned with your core values?
    and…
    Who is your audience here and what is your brand?
    How could you write about the bible in a way that honors your brand and your audience?

    What if being unsettled is where the divine will meet up with you and show you the way?

    Enjoy your journey…
    L

  2. Camille Crawford says:

    Lisa Gates has suggested some wonderful things. I would suggest the same. Primarily, you are not alone. I feel unsettled often too. Perhaps it’s just our way of making sure we don’t forget who we are. We have to question our motives and actions sometimes. I’m sure you’ll find that this state won’t persist. You’ll find what you’re looking for. As Lisa has said, find out who you want to be writing for. It isn’t necessarily going to be who reads your blog, but if you direct what you write to who you want to reach, then it might be easier to find peace with that. Perhaps you need to create a separate space for your writing when it reflects the Bible and another that has no limits, that can just be a place for you to experiment and not disappoint some of the readers you already have? Christy from Christy’s Coffee Break did that. She started another blog just for herself and anything goes there. We are seldom just one thing. The Bible studies means a lot to you and you have a child too. It sounds like you have varied interests on top of that. Just one more thing. You mentioned somewhere what the goal of this blog was and as I remember it, it was to share wisdom with other women but wasn’t necessarily Christian in nature. I think that makes it clear that you weren’t intending to solely write about the teachings of the Bible here. Maybe you would like to make a decision about whether you want to change that directive?
    Anyway Kwiz, it seems natural to me what you are going through. And I’m sure you’ll find your way. We, your readers can gain some perspective of our own through the honesty you share here. The good and the difficult. Thank you.

    Camille

  3. Paula Neal Mooney says:

    I understand.

    I just said a prayer for the Lord to get me thru the summer.

    He makes me look forward to the good things: sleeping late, vacations, staying up late, fireflies…

    Unsettled can be good.

    Now that you have time to shift and slow down and focus, God will make it clearer.

    Think I need to do more of that…

    And I love Bible lessons — especially since you said you’re not a Bible thumper.

    The teachers I learn best from are the ones who relate Scripture to their own lives, like Joyce Meyer, and to some extent, Bishop T.D. Jakes.

    People always grow quiet and sit up entranced at my Bishop preaching when he switches into a Bible story and how it relates to his own life.

    Makes things more relatable. Turns us “Holy Rollers” into human, Holy-Spirit helped beings.

    Paula

  4. Anna says:

    KWiz;
    I know what you mean. I’ve been so unsettled recently myself with so many things. My life, my job and my blog as well. I don’t seemed to be able to see where much is going right now, but I have good friends who are helping as only a friend can. I feel a change coming soon, and even though I’m not sure what it will be, I’m confident it will be good for me. I’m sure that what ever is causing you to have doubts or to be unsettled right now will eventually work itself out as well.

    Maybe the question shouldn’t be why you haven’t introduced much scripture on this blog, but rather why you believe you need to introduce scripture more often?

    Anyway. Take care and try not to worry over it too much. It will all come together!
    – Anna

  5. ebele says:

    KWiz

    I’m learning (and it’s a hard hard lesson for me to learn) that things happen in your life for a reason, to teach you something, to show you something about yourself. So, as much as you might feel unsettled, I believe it’s a situation that’s trying to tap you on your shoulder about something.

    You seem to be on the right track, sis – giving yourself time to listen. Maybe the school holidays are the best time for this to happen – when I believe you have more time to reflect.

    You take care…

    I wish you well.

    Ebele/Black.Pixie

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