Moving On…Leaving It Behind…

I’ve been absent for a bit attempting to figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going. I am understanding that I’m allowing my past to hinder my present.

I’m reading a few books now, including Women Who Run With the Wolves. One that I picked up again (and vow that I will complete next month) is entitled When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present. In it, Sue Augustine begins her first chapter with a quote from an unknown author stating,

“It is not the experience of today that drives us mad; it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday.”

I’ve been dealing with much remorse and bitterness for probably half my life, angry for being used and abused, rejected and abandoned. Interestingly, though, it’s amazing that I could go on for so many years being ignorant of the fact that I was bitter and angry. Yet, until my husband strongly suggested to me I was angry, I didn’t begin to have a clue.

Nonetheless, it’s been a long journey. I get bits and pieces of revelation as I go along. And I recently realized that I’d lost hope. I wasn’t very optimistic about the future. I didn’t really have grand expectations. I wasn’t joyfully anticipating good things to come. In fact, I was really just plodding along. And this type of living, I’ve decided, is not for me.

American author and playwright Jean Kerr once said,

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.

Oh, how this resonated with me! So for those who might be experiencing feelings of hopelessness, know that it’s not over! There’s more on the other side. In fact…

 

‘Tis better to hope, though clouds hang low,
And keep the eyes uplifted;
For the sweet blue sky will soon peep through,
When the ominous clouds are lifted.

There never was a night without a day
Or an evening without a morning,
And the darkest hour, as the proverb goes,
Is the hour before the dawning.

Author Unknown

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9 comments

  1. Keith says:

    Hey KWiz!

    You can’t imagine how on time that post was for me. Thanks very much. No need for details, at least not for now, but I can definitely understand where you’re coming from on this one. Sometimes it really is so hard to allow yourself to believe that life really can get better – or to even acknowledge that your life really is moving forward, even if it’s not at the rate you would prefer. Believe me I’m a pro at internalized rage. I think I majored in that in college and didn’t even know it.

    Anyway, thanks again for this post!

  2. Danielle says:

    I too was burdening myself unnecessarily with the past, hanging on to the bad things that occurred in my childhood that were completely out of my grasp of control, almost owning them as if those memories were the sum of who I am. I haven’t related the experiences of my childhood on my blog because they are still too powerful and I am attempting to diminish that power before I write about it. I have just let it go. I was abused because others were abused and didn’t know how to break the cycle. I was neglected because others pain was too great. But I have survived the past as have you so there is no need to bring it along. Life is a mountain cliff and I simply not strong enough to climb toward betterment carrying the dead weight of past transgressions, so I have opted to leave them at the basecamp, acknowledging them but no longer granting them dominion over me. You and your husband are striving toward the same goals in life which in and of itself is honorable. You are creating an environment of love for which your daughter to flourish. You have proven yourself strong enough to get this far despite the past. I am sure you have the strength to let it go. Probably more strength than I have, sweets.

    As always, my dear friend, I am sending you wishes of health, balance and joy.

    Be well and enjoy the day.

  3. The New Parent says:

    Hi Kwiz–there’s a saying I kinda remember: we spend our days worrying about the future, lamenting our pasts, ever forgetting our present. Sometimes I’ve found that the pain I remember evaporates as I allow the energy of joy into my heart. It’s not an easy time of it, but who ever said growing up was supposed to be easy (smile).

    A penetrating post. Thank you for the sharing.

  4. KWiz says:

    Hi Keith,
    When the change doesn’t come as fast as you want, yeah, it’s frustrating. But I can sometimes see myself making little progresses here and there. And when I can catch those little changes, however small they are, they give me reason to expect that more change is around the corner.

    And that internalized rage thing, I think lots of people who are “pro’s” at that probably don’t realize it until later anyway. It must be a rite of passage or something…

  5. KWiz says:

    Hi Danielle,
    Thank you so much for sharing a little of your experiences. My problem has been granting what’s happened to me and the effects of that stuff “dominion.” The way I can explain it best is sometimes being on “autopilot.” And that’s been difficult to disengage. But I’m seeing very small improvements in how I handle things. Another problem, though, is the change is not consistent. It’s sort of back and forth. I guess that’s better than nothing.

  6. Rindy says:

    I really believe we have to know how we are affected before we can ever move beyond it. It may be a one shot deal (if it’s straightforward), but more often it’s an ongoing process, uncovering layers of effects…but it is possible…great that you are looking at all. You can do it…

  7. Nicole says:

    I know what you mean. Being used is one of the worst feelings anybody could ever go to, and I felt just horrid when I found out about my ex cheating on me. I don’t know, though; I’ve been reading this ebook, and it’s helped me realize just what I need to get my life back on track. Love, not just sexual love, but real love requires a lot of work, but in the end, I think it’s the kind of hard work that really, really pays off.

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