My husband is a phenomenal man! He doesn’t settle for second best. He seeks to do everything with excellence. So when he told me he was updating his first book, Steppin’ Out of the Darkness, my first question is, “Why?” He replied, “I can do better.” So after many months of rewrites and revisions, my husband has now published and released his first hardcover book entitled Come Morning. You can view a description of the book on my husband’s blog, “When Least Expected.”

Come Morning is indeed a blessing to read. There is something for everyone in this book. It was easy for me to identify with different characters in the narrative. Oh, and there are surprises in the book as well. I remember reading and editing the revision for one chapter, and as I read, I suddenly laughed and said, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.” I won’t tell you what happened; you have to read it for yourself.

Take a look here to read what my husband has to say about the book. Then go to Amazon.com and order it! Keep a journal by your side as you read. As someone already reviewed, it “…will make you take a slow, deliberate & honest look at your mindset…” You’ll want to write the insights you make about yourself in your journal as you read.

Invest in yourself…invest in others…read Come Morning.

I was watching a news program this past week that told the story of a town in which working, middle class families had to resort to standing in line to get groceries. Not at Kroger or Ingles or Publix or any other neighborhood grocery story. No, standing in a food line. The story told of one woman who had to quit her job because her income did not cover the gas, child support, and essential expenses she needed in order to sustain herself and her children. As I watched, I thought to myself, “That could be us.” At one point, that was Manchild.

Foreclosures are at an all-time high. Many people took out mortgages they could not afford. Many people had good intentions, taking out risky mortgages believing that in 2, 3, or 5 years their circumstances would change for the better and they’d be able to refinance their loans. Yet, the real estate market crashed, and so did the hopes and dreams of far too many homeowners who are now experiencing the devastation of losing their homes. As I write this, even celebrities are at risk. Watching these stories almost daily, I think to myself, “That could be us.” At one point, that was Manchild.

Overall, the credit markets are in a shambles, and the constituency who is bearing the brunt of the desolation are not just American consumers, but consumers of goods throughout the world. The causes of our economic situation are many. This is not meant to be a political commentary, yet personally, I trace what appears to be a crash of the American economy on poor policies and practices instituted and condoned by our current President. Moreover, big oil companies are pocketing increasing profits as the pocket books of American consumers become more empty each day. Wall Street gets bailed out while small businesses throughout the country have to fold because the cost of doing business continues to rise. At one point, that was Manchild.

We all know that things must change. Circumstances can’t change for the better fast enough. Based on daily news reports, however, times will get worse before they get better.

But there is something we can do. In seasons such as this, we can choose either to focus on what Manchild refers to in Steppin’ Out Of The Darkness as “the giants from the valley of Circumstance” or we can focus on “the Giver of Gifts” who can lift us up above them. While daily news reports may be bad – more than just figuratively – we may be embarking on a time in which God is forcing us, as Manchild says, to “…unearth the ‘forgotten dreams’ buried beneath the ‘abandoned visions’ still cluttering the ‘valley of sun-dried bones.’” In other words, what dreams and visions about your own destiny have you abandoned because Adversity struck once, twice, ten, twenty, or fifty times in your life? Might this be a time when you may need to discover “the reasons why you…fear what follows seasons of Change”? Manchild did it…why not you?

Steppin’ Out Of The Darkness is “a message of encouragement for seasons such as this.” A season in which God may be forcing you to “face your fears” and allow the dreams and visions He placed within you to finally become birthed. And as you allow those dreams and visions to become born again, expect “the ‘Giver of Gifts’ to do the unexpected when least expected.” The world needs you to overcome your own fears and embrace Change as we all face our own “giants from the valley of Circumstance. Will you begin your journey today?

Nonetheless, I experienced a block, and I neglected posting for a significant period of time. I thought about whether I had anything of any significance to say, and discovered that I really didn’t at the time. So instead of trying to post something of no value, I sort of disappeared. I sputtered a little here and there, attempting to make a comeback. But it just wasn’t there for me.

Part of me was dealing with the fact that I didn’t feel I had anything to say. But a large part of what I was doing was helping my husband get his book published. And while I posted back in December “It’s Here!” to celebrate his completion of the book, we experienced some production issues that took a minute to resolve.

Well, this time, it’s here!!! The book has been published and it has been released. Below is the new cover image:

Steppin’ Out Of The Darkness, “When Good People Become Great,” is an introspective, inspirational story about “personal leadership.” The premise is that it’s not what happens to you that matters most; it’s how you choose to respond after adversity strikes when life happens and after bad things begin to happen when least expected.

Moreover, Steppin’ Out Of The Darkness is a family friendly book containing lessons lived and learned by three generations of men. Not once did the author disclose the ethnicity of the characters in the story because he wanted each reader’s life experiences to color the faces of the characters. He did this to avoid forcing the characters to fit into a mold that may not apply to each person reading this literary legacy of faith, hope, and love. The book is 272 pages. It is only available through Generation Y™ Publishing, and you can purchase it through my husband’s blog, “When Least Expected.”

Well, I now have something to say. To celebrate, I have a new look for my blog (for those who were past readers here)! And what I’ve decided to do was write some reflections around Steppin’ Out Of The Darkness. To give you a little flavor before I get started in a couple of days:

“When life happens and the invisible fist of Adversity strikes, always expect the ‘Giver of Gifts’ to do the unexpected when least expected.“

To get a little flavor of the tasty nuggets my husband has cooked up in the past, take a look at his blog. Purchase the book. And let me know how you like (or don’t like) the new look of my site!!!

(Actually, I shouldn’t be all that amazed. Email has become a vital method of communication in our offices and businesses as well as between our families and friends.)

Maybe I’m overreacting. After all, our daughter will be four years old this spring, and naturally she is increasingly interested in computers, particularly in viewing videos online (since her daddy and I spend a lot of time at the computer). I often think about how we’ll navigate that world with her as she begins elementary school in less than two years.

I was recently made aware of a PBS Frontline program that will air tonight entitled “Growing Up Online,” where “Frontline Investigates The Risks, Realities And Misconceptions Of Teen Life On The Internet.” And lest you think that the only concern is encountering sexual predators online, this program will also discuss “cyber-bullying” and achieving “instant ‘Internet fame’.”

Here are a few quotes from the program’s press release:

“Jessica Hunter was a shy and awkward girl who struggled to make friends at school. Then, at age 14, she reinvented herself online as ‘Autumn Edows,’ an alternative goth artist and model who posted provocative photos of herself on the Web, and fast developed a cult following. ‘I just became this whole different person,’ Jessica tells FRONTLINE. ‘I didn’t feel like myself, but I liked the fact that I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like someone completely different. I felt like I was famous.’”

“Through social networking sites, kids with eating disorders share tips about staying thin, and depressed kids can share information about the best ways to commit suicide.”

“John Halligan’s son was cyberbullied for months—first at school, then online—before he ultimately hanged himself just weeks into the start of eighth grade.”

Here is a preview video of the broadcast:

(If the video isn’t displayed, click here.)

Whether we’re parents, grandparents, teachers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, or mentors of young people, this should be of interest to all of us. What do you think? Are our children growing up too fast in this online world? What should be done about it? And do you plan to watch the program? (Note: the program will re-air several times and also appear online – according to pbs.org.)

Yet real disappointment is no longer (at least right now) a tool in my repetoire. This past summer was a time of renewal for me. I had to “open wide” and face myself, what I had been, what I had become. I had to come face to face with a person I didn’t particularly like all that much. And I had to face myself and say, “This is not who you are, nor is it who you want to be.”

And so, as I mentioned in a previous post, I read a book entitled When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present. That was the beginning of, and fundamental to, my change. Through my readings, I really, in my heart of hearts, realized how my reactions to circumstances was really bringing me down. I realized how not getting control over my emotions was hindering my life. I spent about a month with that book. It’s a great one. Christian-oriented, and I highly recommend it for anyone.

But what really did it for me was The Courage To Teach by Parker Palmer. Oh, such a fabulous book (and not just for teachers)! I actually purchased it when I started teaching seven years ago. I don’t recall reading it, even though I’d highlighted it almost all the way through. Yet I must not have gotten it. If I had gotten it, I wouldn’t have had the year from hell I had last year. But I read it again. Here are a few quotes that impacted me greatly:

“As I teach, I project the condition of my soul onto my students, my subject, and our way of being together…teaching holds a mirror to the soul.”

“…the most practical thing we can achieve in any kind of work is insight into what is happening inside us as we do it. The more familiar we are with our inner terrain, the more surefooted our teaching – and living – becomes.”

“…the self is not a scrap of turf to be defended but a capacity to be enlarged.”

“‘Be not afraid’ does not say that we should not have fears – and if it did, we could dismiss it as an impossible counsel of perfection. Instead, it says that we do not need to be our fears, quite a different proposition…I need not teach from a fearful place: I can teach from curiosity or hope or empathy or honesty…I can have fear, but I need not be fear – if I am willing to stand someplace else in my inner landscape.”

If I could sum what I learned from this book, in a nutshell, it is that I don’t have to be afraid of my fears. I don’t have to rid myself of my fears. I can recognize my fears, understand my fears, learn to identify when they rear their heads (notice I didn’t say ugly heads), and enter a different place within and come out through those other places within myself. And I can not only teach, but I can be, out of those other places. It was so liberating for me to know I don’t have to rid myself of my fears. Not only is the effort draining, but the claim that I am not afraid of whatever, someday, would not be the truth.

But if that weren’t enough, I finished the summer reading Let Your Life Speak, also by Parker Palmer. In it, he talks of listening to yourself to determine your vocation, your calling. He speaks of living the life you were intended to live. Here are a couple more quotes:

“Each of us arrives here with a nature, which means both limits and potentials. We can learn as much about our nature by running into our limits as by experiencing our potentials.”

“We will become better teachers not by trying to fill the potholes in our souls but by knowing them so well that we can avoid falling into them.”

If you are experiencing depression, this seems to be a great book, as Parker Palmer discusses his dark nights of the soul and how he emerged from them. I found the narrative of his journey to be real and authentic (like I’m supposed to judge – how crazy!).

On top of that, I also began and continue to read Stephen Covey’s books. All of these readings, sources of wisdom, have taken me to another place in my spiritual and emotional life. And I’m so grateful. I’m more peaceful. I’m more playful (ask my husband). I don’t react to circumstances and situations with the same lack of care I did before. I’m by no means where I ought to be. Yet, I see the incredible potential of my life, my calling, my relationships as being so great. And I’m experiencing some of that greatness now. Because I made a choice to open wide and say “ah-h-h-h.”

I’m reading a few books now, including Women Who Run With the Wolves. One that I picked up again (and vow that I will complete next month) is entitled When Your Past Is Hurting Your Present. In it, Sue Augustine begins her first chapter with a quote from an unknown author stating,

“It is not the experience of today that drives us mad; it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday.”

I’ve been dealing with much remorse and bitterness for probably half my life, angry for being used and abused, rejected and abandoned. Interestingly, though, it’s amazing that I could go on for so many years being ignorant of the fact that I was bitter and angry. Yet, until my husband strongly suggested to me I was angry, I didn’t begin to have a clue.

Nonetheless, it’s been a long journey. I get bits and pieces of revelation as I go along. And I recently realized that I’d lost hope. I wasn’t very optimistic about the future. I didn’t really have grand expectations. I wasn’t joyfully anticipating good things to come. In fact, I was really just plodding along. And this type of living, I’ve decided, is not for me.

American author and playwright Jean Kerr once said,

“Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.“

Oh, how this resonated with me! So for those who might be experiencing feelings of hopelessness, know that it’s not over! There’s more on the other side. In fact…

‘Tis better to hope, though clouds hang low,
And keep the eyes uplifted;
For the sweet blue sky will soon peep through,
When the ominous clouds are lifted.

There never was a night without a day
Or an evening without a morning,
And the darkest hour, as the proverb goes,
Is the hour before the dawning.

Author Unknown

Yet, I know Father’s Day is not always a joyful time for some. For some, it is a time to try to forget, because daddy was abusive to you. It is a time to forget because daddy didn’t pay attention to you. It is a time to forget because daddy didn’t teach you how you should be treated by men. It is a time to forget because daddy abandoned you. It is a time to forget because daddy just let it all happen to you.

If this is you, I understand, at least a little bit. My father didn’t teach me the things fathers should teach their little girls. My father didn’t teach me what I should look for in boys. He didn’t teach me that I shouldn’t allow myself to be treated a certain way. When it came to relationships, I was on my own. More than that, he looked the other way.

Yet, I can’t blame him. What I know is he did the best he could with what he had. He didn’t know his primary job was to teach his children how to become responsible adults. He didn’t know he was supposed to teach me that men are supposed to honor me. He didn’t teach his son how to be a man.

I did the best I could to fend for myself. But emotionally, I became a basketcase.

Nevertheless, I love my father. He’s not perfect, but he’s my daddy. He’s always been my daddy, and he will always be my daddy. No matter what. And I sent him a card letting him know just that. That I appreciate all he did, and still does, for me. I can’t blame him for what happened to me emotionally – I myself made some bad choices. And while I don’t blame him, I forgive him.

I’m thankful for my husband, Manchild, who is the most thoughtful daddy I’ve ever seen (not that there aren’t others out there; I just know about this one quite well). He is intent on teaching our daughter right from wrong. He is intent on teaching our daughter how valuable she is. He is intent on teaching our daughter how men should treat her by how he treats her. In fact, her daddy is a wonderful model of what she will hopefully look for in a man as she grows up and matures.

Fathers are so incredibly important to the healthy development of their children. In my mind, they can make or break their emotional and spiritual growth. So to all the fathers out there, understand the role you play in your children’s lives. Listen to their cries – audible or not. Listen to their shouts of victory. Listen to their moments of defeat. Be there in their moments of fear. Reach out and establish boundaries for them. Be ever present in their lives. You have a power and influence mothers were not designed to have. Because…

Fathers are Wonderful People

Fathers are wonderful people
Too little understood,
And we do not sing their praises
As often as we should…

For, somehow, Father seems to be
The man who pays the bills,
While Mother binds up little hurts
And nurses all our ills…

And Father struggles daily
To live up to “HIS IMAGE”
As protector and provider
And “hero or the scrimmage”…

And perhaps that is the reason
We sometimes get the notion,
That Fathers are not subject
To the thing we call emotion,

But if you look inside Dad’s heart,
Where no one else can see
You’ll find he’s sentimental
And as “soft” as he can be…

But he’s so busy every day
In the grueling race of life,
He leaves the sentimental stuff
To his partner and his wife…

But Fathers are just WONDERFUL
In a million different ways,
And they merit loving compliments
And accolade of praise,

For the only reason Dad aspires
To fortune and success
Is to make the family proud of him
And to bring them happiness…

And like OUR HEAVENLY FATHER,
He’s a guardian and a guide,
Someone that we can count on
To be ALWAYS ON OUR SIDE.
Helen Steiner Rice

He was told, “Go…” He was to leave the unfamiliar.

“In leaving the unfamiliar, you will be blessed beyond what you can imagine. Oh, and by the way, because of you, others will be blessed as well.”

So he dared to go. He left the comforts of his homeland. That homeland – where the deer and the antelope play. That homeland – where seldom is heard a discouraging word.

And in the process, this man trusted God…

Sometimes. A little bit.

Except when he put his wife on the block – at least twice – to protect his own interests.

Except when he tried to usurp God’s plan to fulfill the promise He made to the man to bless him.

Really, all he did was live life. Trying the best he could to provide for his family. Trying the best he could to raise his children. He had his favorites, though.

But in all his many imperfections, foibles, and missteps, God still blessed him. Even late in his life.

He demonstrated “great” faith – only once that I know of. Late in his life.

Yet, God didn’t demand perfection.

He just asked him to “Go.” And he went.

As I thought about the wonderful comments that so many of you took the time to share with me over the past few days, I sat here and thought to myself, “I really am in a good place.” I started out uncomfortable not knowing in which direction to go. But here’s what I take away from the story I heard above. I don’t really need to know in which direction to go always. The psalmist said,

“Our steps are made firm by the Lord,
when He delights in our way;
though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong,
for the Lord holds us by the hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)

(Thank you for the reminder, Blithe.)

I believe that’s what God did for the man in the story. God directed this man where to go. So clearly, God delighted in the man way some kind of way. Even when he stumbled. Even when he made mistakes. Even though he wasn’t perfect. God held him by the hand and ultimately, this man arrived at his destination.

God spoke through your comments. And he said, “It’s okay. Be in that spot. I will show you the way, through your husband, your daughter, your friends, your students, the clouds, the rainbows, the rain… It’s okay. You can just be. For I am holding you with My own hand.”

Thank you for allowing God to bless me through you (you know who you are).

Lisa Gates, author of the blog Design Your Writing Life compassionately commented on my post “Unsettledness,” and suggests I answer several questions. I’d like to begin by answering her first two questions as I seek to understand the direction in which I should go:

• What could you learn by staying in the unsettled place for a while?
• What is this unsettling trying to tell you?

I believe it will take a little courage to attempt to stay in this unsettled place as things unfold and clear up for me. I don’t say that arrogantly, as if, “KWiz, you’re so courageous!” It’s my nature to want things to have an explanation. But I’ve seen my husband live not having to explain everything or have everything make sense. In fact, that is what a life of faith is about – letting God have His way. And while, ultimately, He has had His way – which has resulted in so much tremendous goodness in my life – it’s not been easy to let go and let God orchestrate some things in my life. In fact, I’ll crack the door, peek out, and it is through those openings, I believe, God chooses to slip in and work. Why do I believe that? Jesus advised the people of a church that needed stern teaching and discipline in the book of Revelation:

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him…” (Revelation 3:20).

It’s been difficult for me to allow God to be God in my life. Yet, He’s been good, gracious, and generous. I need to trust that God will speak to me in my unsettled space, comfort me in that space, and lead me through and out when it is time.

So in response to Lisa’s question, “What is this unsettling trying to tell you?” I believe it’s trying to tell me to trust that no matter where I am, I am not alone (thank you, Camille). I am not alone in my…

DOUBT.

For some Christians, “doubt” carries connotations of the “4-letter word.” Like questioning God is a sin. I’m perfectly okay with it, though. God’s not struck me down yet. Because I believe it is in the doubt where one asks questions. And it is in the questioning that one gains insight and understanding. To me, to say you can’t or shouldn’t ask questions of God implies a bit of arrogance, and really, I can’t pretend I know a dash about God to say I know enough not to question. But in the less than a dash that I do know, He’s merciful, compassionate, loving. And He knows the doubt I have in my mind and heart. He’s not requiring perfect faith of me – or anyone else for that matter. And for that anyone else who wonders about questioning God, it’s okay. He expects the questions. He wants the questions. Will I always receive the answer I want? HA! Will I receive the answers I need? Most definitely – yes. And going back to the fact that I am not alone, very often, the answers come from the community of which I belong. And at the moment, Lisa, Camille, Anna, The New Parent, Paula, Susan, and last but not least, Manchild, are some of you who are “with me” in my unsettledness. Thank you.

As I’ve had the opportunity to think about these questions, I believe the last question Lisa asks me is very key:

• What if being unsettled is where the divine will meet up with you and show you the way?

I believe God waits for this. And I believe this to be true.

I believe God spoke to me through all of you. Thank you for being gracious vessels.

I hope those of you who are experiencing a similar state will find comfort in reflecting on Lisa’s questions.

In the late 80s, I was participating in a training class for a large organization I worked for.  When I arrived at the classroom, I took my seat, waiting for the class to begin.  As I looked around, a woman walked in the door of the classroom wearing a beautiful black suit.  I admired it for its intricate detailing and stitching throughout.  I also noticed that the suit looked terrific on her, as it was a well-made suit.  As she walked closer to where I was seated, I made an observation that absolutely made me sick that day – she’s wearing my suit, on the same day I had the same suit on myself!!!  I was absolutely mortified!!!  Really!!!

From that day on, I vowed I’d never wear that suit again.  And I never did.  In a sense, I felt violated.  Of course, the woman wearing the suit didn’t do anything wrong.  She merely had great taste, as I did.  Yet, I felt as though I was being copied.  I felt as though, as writers would say, I was being plagiarized!  There was more than one of me!  And if there was more than one of me, one of those “me’s” was not needed.

How ridiculous, you say?  Yes, ridiculous it is.  Until I can afford to purchase one-of-a-kinds (which I don’t even have a desire to do), there will always be a woman who is wearing those shoes I just purchased yesterday.  There will always be a woman who is wearing that same blouse I bought last week.  There will always be a woman who is wearing that same dress I bought last month.  And I might even personally see that woman donning those shoes, that blouse, that dress.  And get this…she might even look better in those pants than I do (which, at the moment, is entirely possible given the 15 pounds I need to drop).

Yet, I no longer have this feeling that I’m being copied, that I’m no longer unique when I see someone sporting “my” clothes.  After a fire consumed all of my belongings while I was attending graduate school in the early 90s, I had to learn to shop differently to regain a small portion of what I’d lost and to try to rebuild (after not having renter’s insurance).  And I wanted the same stuff I had before.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t afford to pour out the same amount of money as I did before I entered graduate school.  So I found discount shops and outlets (Loehmann’s, T.J. Maxx, Marshall’s, Filene’s Basement, and now, Value City), which means that I will someday see another woman in my clothes, on the exact day I’m donning the same outfit.

Does that mean that I’m no longer unique?  Absolutely not!

The outer garments does not a sistah make!

It’s what’s inside that makes all of us unique.  It’s what God has blessed us with that makes us one-of-a-kind.  I am guaranteed that there is no one like me on this earth (that should be a relief for my husband), and that no matter what I wear, I have gifts and talents the world needs.  I’m just trying to figure out what the world needs and how I can get it out there.

Ladies, has this ever happened to you?  Have you ever felt like you’re a carbon copy and therefore, that you’re not needed?

Let me reassure you – it’s a lie!  Don’t believe it!

What makes me unique?

• I have three degrees that I can probably use virtually anywhere, if I put my mind to it.
• I can tell funny stories of how I walked into a brick wall when I was in elementary school and broke my front tooth.
• I’ve only had one cavity in my entire life, and I didn’t get it until I was 21 years old!
• I look young for my age.
• I’ve never gotten a job by sending out resumes.
• I spent 12 weeks on hospital bedrest during my pregnancy and only gained 37 pounds.
• I have the most wonderful daughter and most loving, caring, gifted husband in the whole wide world!

All of these experiences inform who I am.  And no one, absolutely no one, has experienced what I’ve experienced collectively.  Together, these experiences make me one unique woman.  And no one can take that away.

I’d like to know, what makes you unique?